this is our year.

this is the year we will make ours.

this is the year we will be one, every hour.

where we will be together.

where we can rest upon each others' breasts and breathe in each others' breath. hold onto our hands and be locked together with our legs tangled like seaweed.

stare into each others' eyes as the warmth we share makes the world go round.

this is nothing profound.

this is everything.

i let it happen again.

in the final hours of december 31st, around 4am - no, around 2am - i found myself falling into those safe spaces of others again.

a post made at 135am, a painting.

a drawing?

a life.

a set of eyes, staring at me with a smile.

two more, behind, staring down at the first pair.

one more, hidden, though i know i stare down at her too.

soft, and loving. safe, and cozy. our mismatched hands wrap around the lower figure as she looks forward, away from us. forward. to the new year.

it feels real, it's a genuine feeling.

the pink square is everything.

and it is at that moment, i knew.

i belong.

what was it that made the world feel so different from today, to yesterday?

the world didn't end, as it usually doesn't, but we knew it wouldn't.

i was in bed staring, curled up in my snoopy blankets as i recovered from the stress that was eating out. expensive meals, stressful family talks.

i didn't even have to say anything to make them feel uncomfortable.

so how come yesterday, after a day of jacking off and laying in bed watching transformers i had a mental breakdown in those safe spaces, while the day after, directly after the new year, when i reentered those safe spaces, i felt pure warmth coming off?

the reminder. the sight. the realness of it all.

i am not as much of an outsider as i believed i was.

i never really was.

and i don't want to be.

it's just hard not to let yourself believe you are.

being with you let me realize that, in fact, i am closer to you than i could ever imagine.

i want to be real. i want to live. and i want to breathe and hold you and be held and be one of your people.

and i am.

and we are.

this is our year.

this is everything.

i love you.