lemme turn on a light

i was supposed to write this like.

a week ago.

i just kind of forgot. i barely remember what i originally wanted to write about.

just that i wanted to write in my diary.

i went back into school again on the 17th. holiday break and all. i'd been dreading it for some time because of the simple fact that i don't want to go but i am not given a choice in this life.

so y'know.

i think the funniest part was that the class i had been dreading the most was the drawing class, not any of the other history or design or science classes i have. which i suppose makes the most sense when it comes to what i've written in here so far.

at least, what i remember.

i've been thinking i should start rereading what i've written from time to time. to remind myself of what i've learned after everything.

i'm unsure how well that'd go though when a lot of the things i wrote were on the verge of a breakdown and were how i ended up coping. sort of. it's mostly an exaggeration but this whole thing is to sort through my mind. wring the spagetti out and whatever. it's been working great i think.

realistically, i'm still depressed. i still struggle with self image issues and self-esteem issues and crippling hermiticism and everything under the sun. along with a buncha other things i don't even know about. what medical condition makes youu stare at the ceiling for hours at a time while doing absolutely nothing of value? is that still depression. it might be.

but even still, it's a bit weird to say, but i'm no longer afraid of being happy.

i figured this out a few days ago when i was able to listen to ANTONYMPH for the first time again ever since i first heard it. like, almost a year ago. was it almost a year ago, actually - no, almost 2 years ago. forgive me as i do some back of the napkin calculations.

590 or so days. 1 year and 7 months and 11 days.

it's still quite dark in here

i am no longer afraid of being happy after 590 or so days.

i think i got very off track as to what i was talking about.

oh well.

basically the whole thing is that the drawing class isn't that bad. the prof seems nice and chill and the atmosphere is fine. iffy seating tho.

i think the highlight of the day was not only that the prof and class seem to be cool [likely my opinion will change over the coming months] but that i found a great handful of free cds just on a shelf while going to the bathroom.

moody blues and madonna and other stuff. still have yet to go through them, i have them stored in my car. which right now is the only place i can play them, as it's the only place with a cd player to my knowledge. fucking awesome tho since i don't have to use all my data on god forsaken spotify.

i'll turn it off then i guess.

y'know what actually

fuck this.

or not, i don't know.

i don't exactly feel great right now.

or like, i do, kind of.

i dunno.

i feel fine but not exactly great. like i should be doing something more than whatever this is, writing in here. maybe i should be drawing. drawing what, though. not like it matters.


i took a long break while writing this and hung out with my best friend.

i feel better. whatever i said in the last box was bullshit. all creation is beautiful, including this.