i can't live. i don't have a way to. maybe not ever, maybe just not soon.

it's suffocating. the idea that you're brought into this world to fufill a goal. i hated it. i still do. but i understand now that to be human is to grasp onto something--an idea--and never let go. no matter what.

it was a while ago, but i remember that i made it my goal to never have a goal. to simply be who i am. and who i was at that time was listless. average, forgettable. unknown. i'm still like that in ways. unknowingly, or purposefully. i did so in order to not let my education feel like a total living hell that i would want to throw myself off a building. instead, just a little ledge, maybe scratch my knee if anything.

instead, what became of that was me giving up after everything.

it was wonderful.