in a way it's like longing.
in a weird, hate-myself-for-feeling-this-way-and-being-too-patient kind of way. that doesn't make sense, does it.
what i mean to say is that i'm always waiting for better times. it's another thing that i realize i do when staring up at the ceiling. i'm waiting.
waiting for better times, like i said. like what though? it's not like my life currently is a living hell. i have it a lot better than a lot of people i know. it could be so much worse. i could be so much worse.
so why do i wait?
i suppose it's because i know things could be so much better. they really really could be, and it feels like i'm waiting for my life to begin.
i've only just started college at the time of writing this, and plan to drop out very soon. i stare at everyone else i know, and i know that they're allowed to live as they please. or well, at a far greater freedom than i've been granted. i'm young and unfortunately romantic. it doesn't take much for me to pine for something greater.
pine is too much of a pretty word for the way i feel. it's more anger, or sadness. jealousy, envy, whatever. it's not good is what i'm trying to get at. there's so much that i need to do and say in order for me to even get to where people are. there's people who aren't even that much older than me that they were catapulted into life way before me. albeit that's not good either, but still. if they can do it, why can't i? why do i have to constantly feel trapped in my home? i want to live. i want to go out there and suffer things in the real world, not just here, digitally, virtually. i live online.
i want to get a job, i want to travel, i want to see people and have my own schedule. i want to tear my design professors' faces apart.
maybe not that last part, but i've thought about it.
