happy new year.

i love you.

i love you so much.

this is my year.

in the final hours of the night of december 30th, i had a small mental breakdown after exposing to myself to normal things just before i fell asleep. it was around 4am.

to be less vague, it was the safe spaces of those i care about, along with others i don't quite. little, meaningless triggers, as is normal.

"normal".

normally, brains wouldn't have little things that trigger them into a death spiral, especially if it's the things from people you adore.

obviously the answer to solving these sorts of things is to simply not participate or not look at them. why would you look at those places if you don't have a good time?

that's correct. that's what i did for a good while. i only really looked back when i felt i had to know something or see if everything was okay. usually, they were, but that led my own state to decline until oblivion.

it was funny though, this time, as i was so tired and could barely stay awake, even after the spines along my body perked up and felt like they were exploding all over my skin. i just stared up at the dark ceiling, illuminated by the orange streetlamp through blue curtains. i stared. and breathed. and watched. and listened. listened to my own breath.

i raised my hand high, as if attempting to grasp at the sky above me, as if the ceiling were floating away from me.

whispers suddenly filled my ears, my own. i breathed, "my heart is full of vile and i want to..." and could not continue. my hand stayed above my face, spreading my fingers and clenching into a fist over and over again.

my mind had wanted me to say something about murder, killing, destruction, and the like.

as i breathed, the blind, instinctual fear left my body. and as i closed my eyes, the steam along my body sizzled away and died, while i lived further.

i slept with a smile.