it's okay because you can't go back.
everything will always be new.
if nothing were new, are you really living?
things might settle down into something slow and soft, or pick up into something high energy. and it's okay.
people change. people will change.
that's the way life is. and you are going to have to adjust to it, or you will forever be living in the forest of heartstrings.
i always tend to stay on the outskirts of the forest.
not because i want to, but because in a way, it's the most natural place for me to be.
which is weird. i've never had a good memory. i've never been good at remembering things, especially about people. with the advent of chatrooms and the internet though, it's both gotten better and worse.
worse, in that my memory has deteriorated further, leading to me forgetting even basic things sometimes, like how to floss.
better, in that the internet preserves my words for me to always look back to and reference. not only so that i know where to go, but i know where i've been. what i've said, what people've said to me.
in that way, i can remember what matters.
funny moments. birthdays. th slow dances we would have under the starlight. the hot and intimate points in time we would share. special little words. primitivism is one.
bring them back up again when the moment is right. make people happy if they've known me, they would say "wow! you remembered that??? that's so sweet..."
i swim in melancholy as i write this entry.
staring up at the moonless, rainy sky, i wonder:
if we were really together, would things be different?
would i still feel so lovesick that i worry constantly?
would the physical comfort be enough to satisfy me in believing that everything is okay?
actually that last thing is stupid.
this whole thing is stupid.
only this last box.
if we were really together, in person, able to hold each other tight and kiss on the mouth, tear into each others' flesh and feast on our hearts, everything would be different.
i would finally be able to live.